In the Absence of Monsters Page 28

  “I should head in to the office. I’m sure they have something they want to put my face on today,” he said with a resigned sigh. Since he had no real business training, Josh was basically just using his brother-in-law as the firm’s poster child, but Jayden didn’t mind, he would do whatever was needed to help his father’s firm. He was nearly halfway through his one year sentence and was looking forward to getting his life back, eager to finish his graduate degree and start teaching. That was where he really wanted to be.

  As I watched him walk out, I wondered why he felt he couldn’t support me, but Lexi distracted me by asking me what I was going to wear. I laughed at that – louder and longer than I had in a long time. With all of the other potential disasters that could happen that day, fashion wasn’t high on my list. When Lexi smirked at me, I told her I was just going to wear jeans and a t-shirt, assuming we couldn’t be going anywhere too fancy at ten in the morning.

  An hour later, I opened the door to find Gabriel standing unassumingly on the doorstep. The bright morning light glinted off of his messy hair. Meeting my eyes, he gave me a shy smile. I returned it, and it felt natural to me, unlike the forced smiles I generally used with people I didn’t know well. I invited him in just as Lexi stepped into the room. At first, Gabriel looked a little awkward, but Lexi walked over and hugged him, introducing herself quietly. Thrilled to be so quickly accepted, he smiled. It didn’t seem he was used to being welcome, which was something I could relate to completely. Just another thing we had in common, maybe it wouldn’t be as uncomfortable as I’d imagined.

  “Ready?” I asked him and he nodded. He held the door for me, and I was officially on my very first date. When we reached his car, I noticed that it wasn’t a car at all, but an open top Jeep. Glad I’d decided to go with jeans and a t-shirt, I climbed into the passenger seat while he held the door. After climbing into the driver’s seat, he didn’t start the Jeep immediately, but looked at me instead, and I smiled awkwardly.

  “I’m really glad you decided to come out with me today.” He had been looking down, but then, his eyes met mine and I saw the sincerity in them.

  “I am too, Gabriel. I feel … I don’t know … comfortable with you. I don’t feel that way around many people,” I said, and he reached over and hesitantly squeezed my hand, almost like he thought I was afraid to be touched. Returning his touch, I put on my seat belt. “So, where are we going, or is it a surprise?” I hated surprises. I wondered briefly if he could read that in my expression. Apparently, he could, or he just didn’t like surprises either.

  “I thought we could go to the museum. It’s open and relaxed,” he said and his statement ended with an inflection that made it more of a question than a statement.

  “I think that’s a great idea. I haven’t been to any of the museums since…” I stopped. I had promised myself that I wasn’t going to talk about the abduction. “…for a very long time,” I finished lamely. I guess it’s fairly unrealistic, given our history together that the subject wouldn’t come up. I sighed and settled back as he started the Jeep. We rode in awkward silence for the twenty-minute drive. Why couldn’t I just talk to him, make small talk about the weather or something? It was a beautiful day, clear and blue and the lake looked serene off to the left as we made our way up Lake Shore Drive. When he bypassed the museum campus with the aquarium, planetarium and Field Museum, I knew he must be planning on The Museum of Science and Industry, which had been my favorite when I was a child. The thought struck me, as I hadn’t remembered much of my childhood, where had memory come from?

  I pondered it as we pulled into the underground parking garage, that I didn’t remember being there before. He parked the Jeep and we headed for the entrance. As we entered the big lobby where people were buying tickets, I saw a huge train off to the left along with a gift shop farther up. None of it looked familiar at all. Dissatisfied, I sighed, maybe I wasn’t having the epiphany I had thought I was. He led me to a set of escalators and we headed up one floor where he showed his member ID and we walked right in. Then he led me up another set of escalators and we were in the main part of the museum. I was struck speechless as I walked forward under the huge rotunda in the center of the hall. As I looked up to the domed ceiling, something occurred to me. I looked at Gabriel and he was smiling.

  “Your mom used to bring us here. She felt bad about you not being able to go into science because you loved it so much, and as a compromise, she brought us here,” I said, the sound of awe ringing in my voice.

  “I thought being here might help you remember a little of when we were friends,” he said, holding out his arm for me to lead the way. I grabbed a map as we entered, and Gabriel shoved it in his back pocket. We went through the coal mine, which I remembered we had loved when we were kids, and bought ice cream in Yesterday’s Main Street. After going to lunch in the new cafeteria, we saw some of the new exhibits like the Farm Tech project, the renovations to the U505 submarine, and all the changes to the Henry Crown Space Center before we finally decided to go see one of the 3-D Omnimax shows. That projection system hadn’t been there when I was a child and I found myself excited to see it. It was the best day I’d had in such a long time. For once, I felt completely normal.

  We opted for the undersea adventure film, which was just seating when we got in line so we were able to go right in. With the kids in school and most adults at work, the theater was almost empty. We found seats up near the top, away from the half a dozen other people in the theatre with us and after settling in our seats, we waited for the movie to start. The screen filled the whole domed ceiling; it was incredible, almost like you were actually under water. Even though my attention was mostly occupied by the screen, I noticed that Gabriel kept rubbing his knee with the hand closest to me. His knee was bouncing as if he was nervous about something. Without thinking, I reached over and put my hand on his. Stopping at once, he linked my fingers with his. We remained like that, just holding hands, and watching the movie.

  When it was over, we dropped our hands as the lights came up. Feeling comfortable enough to hold hand in a dark theater was one thing, but strolling through the museum hand in hand was something else entirely. When we got back to the main area of the museum, Gabriel pulled the map from his back pocket and handed it to me.

  “Is there anything else you’d like to see?” he asked, looking at his watch. “We still have a couple of hours before the museum closes.” He didn’t sound like he was ready for the day to end. To be honest, neither was I, he made me feel normal – no history, no bondage, and no insanity – just two guys hanging out together. I didn’t think I’d ever had that with anyone else. Even with Jayden, we talked about our D/s relationship or how the journal was coming. With Gabriel, there was none of that.

  “Shall we explore the balcony level? We haven’t been up there yet. We can take the yellow stairs over there to get up there.” He headed for the stairs and I followed. As we ascended, we played with all of the little engines on the wall along the staircase, turning the cranks and pressing the buttons. By the time we reached the landing, we were laughing. We walked around before I spotted the one thing that I remembered most from coming there as a child—the walk-through heart. It was fascinating, but what I really liked was to walk through it like a big artery-filled clubhouse. Grinning when Gabriel looked at me, and as we came up to it, I noticed that it was a lot smaller than I remembered.

  There was no one else around; in fact, I hadn’t seen anyone else on the balcony, so I only felt a little silly when I actually had to stoop just a bit to walk inside. Gabriel entered first, and as we neared the center, he stopped. He turned around in the small space and looked at me. Curiously, I watched him, and he took my hand in his again. He squeezed it lightly before leaning in toward me. Turning my head slightly to the right, as did he, in anticipation, he hesitated just before his lips reached mine. I could feel his warm breath on my face, and to my utter shock, I wasn’t unnerved by that. Acknowledging the uncertainty in his app
roach, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his very gently, his thumb grazed my cheek as he cupped my face, and my fingers trailed lightly on his back. It was a very soft, but sweet kiss, and I found myself wanting more.

  After we finished exploring the balcony, we headed back out to the Jeep. As we walked through the garage, he took my hand. When we got to the Jeep, he opened the door for me again, but before I got in, I leaned over and gave him a tender kiss on the cheek.

  We pulled the Jeep around to the free lot in front of the museum and walked over to the beach. It was a beautiful afternoon, and we were too early to head to dinner, but we didn’t want our time to end. Taking off our shoes and socks off, we sat in the sand.

  “When did you change your name to Bryant?” he asked me quietly. I glanced at him, not surprised he knew but curious as to how he had found out. “That’s how you entered it into my cell phone. I thought for a minute I didn’t get your number,” he answered my unasked question. He looked down at my shirt, and then back up at me again. “I was disappointed for a minute at first, until I realized that was you and I didn’t know an Ethan Bryant.”

  “I changed it as I was starting my first year of college,” I answered, looking out over the waves as they made their way to shore. “I wanted a new name, a chance at a new life. I got the new name, but… for the first few years; I was still that scared little boy. It took a while for me to find my place.”

  “I know how that feels. I was always just ‘Morris’s kid’; I never had an identity of my own. It took me a long time to figure out who I was. Sometimes, I still don’t know.” He picked up a rock from the sand and threw it into the water. It was strange that we had so much in common even though our lives were completely different. He had those same feelings of insecurity and inadequacy that I did—yet, we both toughed it out, day by day.

  We sat in the sand and talked until well after sunset, covering everything from our childhood to college, sports and careers, even our families, and finally about Jayden and Lexi. I didn’t fill him in on the details of our situation, but I had a feeling that one day I would need to. Gabriel was easy to talk to, and it surprised me. While I’d known him since we were in kindergarten, I hadn’t seen him in twenty years. Since then, we had grown into two completely different people but that friendship, that connection, was still there.

  The ride home was quiet, the mood felt… pensive, like we were on the edge of something. We pulled into the drive behind Jayden’s car and he turned off the engine. Turning in his seat, he put his hand on my arm.

  “Ethan, I… I’d really like to see you again,” he admitted. I put my finger under his chin to tilt his face up so that he was looking at me.

  “I’d like that too,” I told him honestly. He smiled and asked if he could walk me up to the door. Chuckling at his antiquated request, I agreed.

  We reached the porch, and he stood facing me, nervous, excited. I pulled him into my arms, one hand in his silky hair behind his neck, one at the small of his back. He put one hand on my cheek and the other at my hip. After looking at each other for a moment, he leaned forward, tilting his head slightly as his lips met mine. That kiss started out much like the one in the one at the museum, but then it deepened, and while I didn’t feel that all-consuming wildfire burst through me like I did when I kissed Jayden, I felt a nice warmth, definitely something I could get used to, something safe and comfortable. As our mouths moved gently against each other, I felt his hard body press against mine. His chest, his hips, everything just melded against me and I started to get hard.

  Oh yeah, I could definitely work with this…

  Journal entry: Childhood Memories

  Gabriel and I are not the kids that we once were. The days of playing ambulance driver and racing little metal cars in the dirt are long gone. It’s strange though, how we continue to be compatible even though we’ve both changed so much. It’s like an underlying current between us, almost like we were supposed to be friends. I felt so comfortable with him yesterday. But now, I have to wonder, is that really all we were meant to be? What are the odds that we would both turn out to be gay? What if, even before either of us needed it, fate was giving us a way to be happy? What if this was what Lexi had been trying to explain to me? It wasn’t exactly it, I knew that – but maybe this level of intimacy is all that I am capable of.

  Gabriel and I made plans to see each other again on Friday. We were just going to hang out at his place for a movie, beer and pizza. During our talks, I had told him that I’m not overly comfortable around other people. He said that staying in was fine with him, then he’d have me all to himself. The playfulness in his voice was light, teasing – but the flirtation made me wonder what it would be like to have him naked on his knees, those innocent blue eyes gazing up at me through his soft blond hair. He would be a sweet and affectionate lover, something that I was looking forward to. Even though my sexual needs were already being met with my sessions with Jayden, I had a feeling that with Gabriel it would be more about intimacy than gratification.

  Next Sunday, of course, we would be going to my parents’ weekly brunch – together. My mother was thrilled that Gabriel and I have reconnected and that I was keeping my word in coming to see her. She called earlier to find out how the date had gone. I thought that it would feel odd having such a casual relationship with her, but instead I welcomed it. Her unconditional love and support was like a salve on my broken soul. It pains me to think that I denied myself, and her, this connection for so long. It also pleased me that she approved of my relationship with Gabriel. She made sure to tell me that she had always liked him, and she was so thrilled that we were finding happiness in each other.

  So, Lexi approved, my mother approved, Gabriel was happy, and I was – well, warming to the idea, I supposed. But, there was some nagging thought in the back of my head that just would not be silent. It was like waking up with a song in your head. Even though you could not recall the lyrics, it was stuck there wheedling its way into your consciousness.

  “Hi Connor,” I said with a soft smile as I walked into the kitchen to find him sitting at the table in just a pair of running shorts eating cereal. It was evident that he spent a good deal of time at the gym because his body was hard and lean under his flawless sun-kissed skin.

  “Hey, Ethan,” he replied with a grin. “How was your date?” I knew that he was asking out of polite concern. Connor knew only that Jayden and Lexi had flown out to Washington to be with me, and then brought me back to stay with them for a while. For all he knew, I could just be going through a bad breakup. He knew nothing about my history, or my current emotional upheaval, and while I thought that his concern would annoy me, it touched me instead.

  “It was really good,” I said with genuine enthusiasm. “We’re going to get together again on Friday night.” I finished just as Jayden entered the room dressed for a session.

  “I want you both in the room in thirty minutes,” he said, rather sternly before grabbing a cup of coffee and leaving the room. Connor and I looked at each other briefly before I shrugged. He went back to his cereal while I grabbed a bagel and coffee and headed upstairs for a quick shower.

  I didn’t bother dressing before I walked down the stairs and into the playroom. It was odd to me that I felt so comfortable walking nude around someone else’s house – but then I’d always felt comfortable with Jayden and Lexi. When I entered the room, I saw Connor already in position even though we still had about five minutes. Joining Connor on the floor in front of Jayden, I assumed my pose as Jayden took a few more minutes to set things up and then walked over to stand in front of Connor.

  “Greet your Master properly, Connor.” Jayden told him in a low voice, and Connor immediately moved forward on his knees to press his lips to Jayden’s bare feet, then his lips traveled slowly up Jayden’s leather clad thighs. When he reached Jayden’s pelvis, Jayden put his fingers in Connor’s long, blond hair and pulled his face hard against his crotch. Jayden’s eyes closed, and his head
dropped back as he rubbed his growing erection against the boy’s face. I looked away. For some reason, that I could not readily identify, this bothered me.

  The motion of Connor standing caught my attention and I refocused my gaze on them. Connor had moved past Jayden’s chest now, and my heart clenched as I watched his lips press softly against Jayden’s. His hand came up to trace the contours of the boy’s face as their lips continued to meet eagerly. This time I didn’t just avert my eyes, I actually turned my head so that I wouldn’t have to watch their display of affection. Watching it made my insides burn, it made my eyes burn, it made my throat burn. I had never had such a feeling.

  I was so lost in my own thoughts that the sound of Jayden’s voice in front of me startled me. “Stand Ethan,” he demanded softly, and I did. I placed my hands behind my neck still reeling from the unexpected wave of emotion that had just threatened to drown me. He walked around behind me, and I could feel his soft breath on my neck as he leaned in close to me. He whispered, “You don’t like watching me kiss Connor, do you?” He kissed my neck gently as his lips moved up to my ear, and a shiver ran through me.

  “No.” The word burst from me, almost as a cry.

  “I didn’t like watching you kiss that guy on my front porch last night either,” he said in a low voice before grasping me by the upper arms and turning me to face him. His mouth was on mine before I could even process that I had turned. His arms went around me, and he pulled my body tightly against his. My arms went around his neck, almost unconsciously as our kiss deepened. Trapped between his clothed body and my naked one, my erection pulsed with the friction we created while his hands traced freely over my back, and it suddenly occurred to me that this was about more than just the session, that he was trying to convey something with this kiss that he couldn’t express aloud. Whatever it was, I desperately wanted to return it. He pulled back slowly, both of us breathless in our excitement. Our eyes met, and for the first time in days, he held my gaze. Then he put his hands on the sides of my face and pulled me down to kiss my forehead. He never said a word before he turned to start the session.